Do you have the post honeymoon blues?

I can usually tell when a couple is in the honeymoon phase by the degree of nausea I experience when in their presence. You know what I’m talking about. The couple smiles ear to ear with what I can only assume has become a permanent facial feature. They can’t stop staring into each other’s eyes and it’s as if no one else is in the room. It’s undeniable that their connection to one another is all-consuming. I often wonder if the reason the honeymoon phase gets such a bad reputation is the inevitable envy outsiders experience from watching on the sidelines. It can be bittersweet to realize that your own honeymoon period with your partner has passed or has seen so many birthdays that it’s nearing retirement. To offer some support, this week’s blog is about surviving the post honeymoon blues.

First, let’s take a moment to understand the honeymoon phase and its significance. The honeymoon phase is a period during which the couple usually expereinces increased arousal, excitement and attraction toward one another. What’s not to like about that? What you may not know is that the honeymoon period is a hormone infused cocktail of feel good chemicals such as estrogen, testosterone, dopamine, norepinephrine, serotonin and oxytocin. These hormones are created through touch, staring into one another’s eyes and even thinking about one another. Would you be surprised to learn that one of these hormones, dopamine, responds similiarly in the brain while in the honeymoon stage as it does when someone is using heroin or cocaine? According to Helen Fisher from Discover Magazine, “Scientists have now shown that food, sex and gambling compulsions employ many of the same brain pathways activated by substance abuse.” Simply put, lust is literally a drug and when this part of a relationship begins to wane feelings of grief and frustration are normal reactions to this.

Now that we know what the honeymoon phase is, we can better understand behavioral and neurological reasons for its dissipation. In love, the brain releases a new chemical, vasopressin, which aids in forming attachments. Examples include a mother and child, a husband and wife and friendships. In long-term relationships, vasopressin, the friendship hormone, combines with oxytocin, the cuddle hormone, to create a safe and loving bond. While certainly rewarding, this does not feel like the honeymoon phase. It’s not uncommon for couples in this new stage to become complacent with their new-found safety and security. No longer do they wake up early to brush their teeth and hair so their partner thinks they are immune from morning breath and bedhead. Trust in the stability of the relationship has replaced the excitement of the unknown. I find that many couples struggle with this dichotomy of safety versus excitement and I’m not alone. Esther Perel, renowned sex therapist, wrote a book, “Mating in Captivity,” which speaks to this very issue. How can we be excited about something we already know and understand? To answer this question, I’ve provided a list of suggestions for creating a balance of these two seemingly incompatible constructs:

1. Become mysterious. Stop peeing with the door open. Yes, I just said that. Stop farting in front of one another. Buy a new shirt and style your hair. Make your partner wonder if you have a hot date when you walk out owning the room.

2. Schedule adult time. I’m not just referring to sex here. Adult time can be drinks at your favorite restaurant or going to a sexually charged environment (i.e. a sexy movie or night club). So, we are clear, adult time is unlikely to be a day at the Magical Kingdom with your kids. This should just be the two of you.

3. Put a sexy twist on the mundane. We all must eat, but maybe tonight you can cook in the nude or go out to dinner sans underwear. Maybe try a game of Apples to Apples where every card ends with “in the bedroom”. The possibilities here are limitless.

4. Anticipation, anticipation, anticipation! Nothing is sexier than anticipation. Can you imagine a romantic meal at home in heals and a smile? What about naughty text messages throughout the day sharing your fantasies? Anything you can do to draw out the yearning will increase eroticism.

5. Plan for something great. When you were in the honeymoon phase you could rely on hormones to make the mundane magical. Now that you are past this, you will need to act. Don’t assume that romance happens effortlessly. If you struggle with ideas of creativity, I recommend Pinterest or a series of books called “101 Nights of Great Sex” and “101 Nights of Great Romance”.

6. Vacation together. I know this can be hard between work, finances and children, but spending concentrated time together having new adventures is a fantastic way to infuse your relationship with life and excitement.

The excitement and passion post the honeymoon phase does not have to die, but it will require work and intentionality. No matter your financial situation, you can employ one or more of the above strategies. Loving, long-term, passionate relationships are NEVER an accident, but a by-product of choice.

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